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7 Tips for Fighting Fairly in Marriage
Fighting fairly is one
of the most important skills you can learn in order
to keep your marriage healthy and strong. While it may
first seem that fighting only happens in "bad"
marriages, fighting actually happens in all marriages.
Researcher David Olson of the University
of Minnesota estimates that 25% of marriages are happy.
50% of couples will never be happy without very good
therapy. 30% of marriages are considered "empty",
with little love or joy. 25% of marriages could be really
happy if the couples learned better how to communicate
and how to resolve conflict.
It is this latter 25% that should be
focused on. Learning to fight fair can be the difference
between a bad fight/bad marriage and a bad fight/good
marriage. You can have a bad fight but still have an
overall good marriage. In fact, couples who fight productively
report more marital satisfaction once the fight has
ended.
What separates out the couples who fight
and make up from the ones who don't? In two words: fighting
fairly.
Couples who fight fairly demonstrate
several subtle, but crucial traits, that keep them from
becoming overly angry and hostile. What are the traits
which separate fair fighting couples from those who
don't?
1) Fair fighting couples focus on the
behavior, not the person. "Honey, can you please
put your dishes in the sink?" rather than, "You're
so lazy. Why can't you put your dishes in the sink?"
2) Fair fighting couples state their
requests directly. If they want their partner to behave
differently, they ask for it. They are able to communicate
clearly about what they desire. "Please put your
dishes in the sink from now on" rather than, "I
need you to change."
3) Fair fighting couples limit their
focus in arguments. Rather than "kitchen sinking"
an argument (where you complain about everything at
once and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure),
fair fighting couples focus on one issue at a time.
4) Fair fighting couples maintain healthy
respect and good nonverbal communication. The importance
of good nonverbal marital communication has been highlighted
by John Gottman, a well known marital researcher at
the University of Washington, who has identified four
behaviors leading to relationship distress. One of these
behaviors is contempt. Couples who show a high degree
of nonverbal contempt for each other (through behaviors
like eye-rolling, avoiding eye contact, shaking their
heads) are more likely to have relationship distress.
5) Fair fighting couples allow the fight
to be over. One important element of fighting fairly
is to let the fight be over when it's done with. FC's
find it easy to forgive, if not forget. They do not
bring up old issues again and again just to prove a
point. Fair fighting couples's take the chance to make
up and reconnect at the first opportunity.
6) Fair fighting couples discuss issues
sooner rather than later. They know that it's easier
to talk about an issue while it's small, before it becomes
overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.
7) Finally, fair fighting couples focus
on winning in the relationship, not on winning the fight.
They remember that they are on the same team, working
for the same goal, and are, really, allies rather than
enemies. They keep the relationship as their main focus
rather than focusing mainly on their personal ego.
Fair fighting is a skill that can learned.
If more people learned to do it, it's likely that fewer
marriages would end in divorce. All marriages will have
fights- it's how you handle those fights which determines
whether your marriage is a happy (or unhappy) one. Remember:
"Success in marriage does not come
merely through finding the right mate, but through being
the right mate."
1howto.com
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