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How To Teach your Children about Discipline
Some days it's hard
to know what the best ways of teaching your children
about discipline and the consequences of misbehaving
really are. There are as many different parenting choices
today as there are books on the subject.
However, one of the simplest and yet
effective methods of disciplining your children and
teaching them self-control, is to use "If"
and "Then" consequences. If your family is
in constant turmoil because of unacceptable behavior,
or if you're tired of not having your kids mind you
unless you scream and yell and lose your temper, you
owe it to your family to give this a try. It's been
proven to bring about quick changes, even in the most
stubborn or behavior-challenged child.
However, before beginning to use this
method, there are a few ground rules that you need to
understand.
1. There is a world of difference between
"punishing" your child and "disciplining"
her. By its nature, punishment is meant to show power
and strength, but little love. Discipline teaches a
child what behavior they exhibited that was unacceptable,
and helps them to understand why. They also learn what
you want them to do next time.
2. Never discipline your child when
you are angry or upset.
3. Always tell your child that it's
the behavior -- not her, that's unacceptable.
4. Make the consequences of your child's
action appropriate to the behavior, and make them immediate.
(Also make sure that the consequences are something
you both can live with. Telling your child that you'll
leave her home for the next outing when you -- and she
-- know that you won't, is not effective).
5. Be consistent.
"If" and "then"
consequences are simple. Make a list of the behaviors
you want your child to exhibit. Then make a list of
the "unacceptable" behaviors. Create a "consequence"
for each unacceptable behavior that is instantaneous,
is appropriate to the misbehavior and takes away something
the child values (preferably related to the misbehavior).
This can be anything from watching television or playing
video games, to spending time with friends or going
somewhere special.
Now make a list of privileges your child
can earn from acceptable behavior. Don't try to change
every bad habit your child has developed all at once.
You could start by picking one or two, but no more than
three.
Once you know what each consequence
or reward is, schedule a time to talk to your child.
Make sure that it's a time that you are relaxed and
calm, and so is your child.
Keep the discussion brief, and make
it appropriate to her age level. Let her know that you
love her, and because of your love, that the two of
you are going to work on changing some unacceptable
behaviors.
Discuss your own behavior first. Talk
honestly to your child about how getting angry and your
actions makes you feel. Tell her which behaviors you
exhibit at those times that you want to change, and
how you'd rather behave. Then move to her behavior,
and explain which behaviors are unacceptable. Explain
why the behavior is unacceptable (again, put the discussion
on her level). Just make sure to keep it upbeat, and
fairly short. Don't get angry or upset, and remember
that this isn't about blame or punishment.
If your child can read, giving her a
written list of the rewards and consequences may help
her to process the new system. If your child doesn't
read, or isn't receptive to the new methods, don't give
up hope. One of the secrets to success is consistency
on your part.
One of the reasons that this method
works so well and so quickly, is because it targets
the behaviors, and clearly lays out the consequences
for each. After your discussion, if your child chooses
inappropriate behaviors, she knows already what the
consequences are, and you are no longer the "bad
guy".
Don't expect that everything is going
to change all at once. In fact, you should expect to
remind your child for several weeks of the consequences
for negative behavior.
For example, if you have a child who
frequently has temper tantrums in the grocery store,
then before taking her with you, remind her of the reward
for good behavior "If you accept a "no"
answer if I can't buy you everything you want while
we're in the store this afternoon, then I will let you
choose the cereal you want." (Again, make the reward
appropriate and something that she values).
Right before going into the store, stop
and talk to her again, only this time, remind her of
the negative consequence. "If you throw a temper
tantrum once we're in the store, then the consequence
is that we will leave the store right away, and you
won't get to choose your favorite cereal."
And every time your child exhibits the
behavior you want and expect, praise her for it. "I'm
really proud of you, honey! We went into the grocery
store, and even though I had to tell you that we couldn't
get the ice cream, you accepted the 'no' answer. Your
behavior was exactly right. Now, let's go choose your
favorite cereal!"
As your child learns that you are going
to remain consistent with this new system, and understands
the consequences of negative behaviors, most behavior
problems begin to noticeably decrease.
The consequences of positive behavior
are that you and your child will communicate with each
other better and there will be fewer power struggles
and more quality family time.
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