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How To Get Your Kids to Talk to You
Being a parent isn't
easy. Some days just getting everyone in your family
all together at the same time for dinner can seem like
the "impossible dream". Between after school
sports and clubs and working and errands and carpools,
it's not surprising that almost half of the parents
in a recent survey said they feel a growing distance
between themselves and their children.
Today's children have more things to
deal with than kids did even twenty years ago. Drugs,
violence, mixed messages in advertising, peer pressure,
packed schedules and outside activities all add to the
pressure they face.
So how, in the midst of all this chaos,
do you find time to talk to your kids -- and more importantly,
have them talk back to you?
Here are several ideas that can help:
1. Eat dinner together as a family at
least three times a week. Conversations flow easier
when they happen around the dinner table. If your family
is conversationally-challenged in the beginning, think
of conversation starters before each meal. Plan a family
vacation, letting each child talk about where they'd
like to go, or what they'd like to do. Talk about current
events, the latest movies or upcoming special events.
Ask your children open-ended questions that have to
be answered with more than yes or no.
2. Turn off the outside world. Set aside
"family time" each night and have everyone
turn off their phones, the computers and the television.
Let your friends and extended family know that you won't
be available during that time, and stick to it. Your
kids (especially teenagers) may joke about it, but secretly
they'll probably be delighted. Use this time to reconnect
with each other. Watch a movie, play board games, take
turns reading out loud, but whatever you do, do it together.
3. Cook at least one meal a week together.
Even your youngest children can do something to help.
If your kitchen is too small for everyone to fit, schedule
a "helper" or have your children be responsible
for different parts of the meal. Your family will grow
closer during this time, and your kids may even start
the conversations themselves. (You can always get the
ball rolling by talking about things you did with your
parents. While you may not be cool, chances are your
kids think your parents are, and will be impressed).
4. Make it safe for your kids to talk
to you. Let them know that you won't get angry or upset
if they talk to you about what's going on. If they tell
you something "off the record" then let it
stay that way. (Emergencies and dangerous situations
aside).
5. Listen to what they have to say.
If you're working, or doing something else when your
child starts to talk to you, they may give up if they
know your attention is really somewhere else. Give your
child the same courtesy that you'd give to a friend
or acquaintance, by giving them your undivided attention
when they're speaking.
6. Use active listening skills. Make
sure that you understand what your child is telling
you. Repeat what they told you and ask questions.
7. Set aside special time to spend with
each child. It may be nothing more than taking one child
at a time with you when you run errands, but let each
child know that you value spending special time with
them.
8. Be patient. Don't expect a "perfect"
family. If you're not June Cleaver and your husband
isn't Howard Cunningham, it's okay. Just remember that
perfect families really don't exist outside of television
re-runs.
Just keep trying, and you'll learn the
art of conversation with your kids isn't as hard as
you thought!
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