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Why Love Means Saying You're Sorry...
We don't like to say
it and we don't always mean it, but despite the oft-quoted
promise from the movie, love DOES mean saying you're
sorry. Unfortunately the idea seems to have hung around
long since the movie was put back on the shelf.
Is it a statement about society in general
that we question the need to apologize even in our closest
relationships? If saying sorry exposes us to confrontation
or scrutiny, shouldn't we be willing to accept that
from our loved ones?
If people feel that saying sorry diminishes
the respect they receive from others, or brings their
judgment (and their intelligence) into question - what
kind of people CAN apologize freely? Can we expect it?
Perhaps the answer lies deeper than
a person's perception of how they'll be viewed. What
are the reasons for apologies?
Dr. Aaron Lazare gives his opinion on
the motives for apologies in the article 'Go Ahead,
Say Your Sorry' published by Psychology Today. He suggests
the two positive reasons we apologize include the desire
to restore or salvage a relationship and/or a deep seated
empathy in which your apology may relieve or diminish
the pain you've caused.
The less admirable reasons for an apology
he identifies include the desire to escape punishment
or the need to clear a guilty conscience - whether the
other party was offended or not.
Clearly the first two reasons for apologizing
make great claims towards creating happy, healthy relationships.
Whether we are brought up to believe in admitting our
guilt or not, taking a humble view of ourselves in order
to benefit a relationship or an individual whom we've
hurt is crucial in maintaining respect for one another.
While some individuals may not demand
apologies from their partners, perhaps because they
also believe it should not be required, there is a loss
of respect between the couple when an apology is left
unsaid. The offended has not had their pain acknowledged
by the one they love. The offender now lives with the
guilt or may start to believe their partner is not worthy
of such acknowledgement.
In either case, the relationship suffers.
On the other hand, frequent offenders may be too eager
to apologize. Their constant display of humility forces
the offended partner to accept behavior that should
be questioned or challenged regardless of the appearance
of repentance.
Accepting each other, faults and all,
is a big part of a loving and enjoyable relationship.
Not keeping tally of mistakes or judging weaknesses
has its place, but a willingness to apologize for lapses
of responsibility or good judgment will strengthen,
rather than weaken, the bonds of a healthy relationship.
1howto.com
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